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My baby’s eyes

Being a victim of abuse at a very young age is painful and takes a lot of work to move past. It also makes you afraid to have your own children in such a crazy world. I always wanted a family, but fearful of having a family and the responsibility it brings. Eight months ago I began dating someone who made me feel safe and encouraged me to get counseling – which I did. The counseling has helped a lot, but it has not taken away the fear I have lived with for a very long time. COVID hitting did not help that fear – it was just another fear to add on to what I was already dealing with. I moved in with my boyfriend pretty quickly. I was on birth control so I was not worried about getting pregnant. I started to have problems with the birth control I was on so I decided to get off it for a short period of time until I found another form that was better. As soon I was off it, I immediately felt better. I usually missed cycles on birth control so I was not worried. Until I began having nausea in the morning. At first, I thought perhaps I was sick with the virus, then the nausea passed. I began gaining weight – maybe I am pregnant? There is a mobile unit that I see in my neighborhood every week so I called them. I was happy to get an appointment the next day. If I was pregnant, I was prepared to get an abortion and not tell my boyfriend. The fear was overwhelming. No way would I have a baby with a pandemic going on and a future so uncertain. That was until I saw the ultrasound. Seeing my baby move, seeing his head and what was clearly eyes took my breath away. I was not prepared at all to see what I was seeing. I began to cry. In speaking with the lady that helped me, I had explained to her my fears. She listened, said she completely understood. She pointed out that God is stronger than my fear and that I could trust him to take care of me, my baby and my future. We prayed together and agreed I would begin to see a Christian counselor through some referrals she gave me. I felt hopeful for my future, as I kept looking at my ultrasound photos.

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