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Calm, not fear when I heard my baby’s heartbeat

As a single mom of three, dealing with COVID has been tough. My boyfriend of 13 years runs hot and cold with our relationship. Because he is the father of my children, I have done my best to work things out over the years. Recently, due to the COVID virus, he lost his job and is on unemployment. I am going to school trying to get my degree so I can secure a good position in the healthcare field. Money is tight and in my opinion, this is the worst time for me to be pregnant again. On top of this stress, I think I am dealing with depression as I just recently lost four family members all at the same time, two of them were my parents. It is the strangest feeling to know I do not have parents anymore. I feel like constantly crying. Will this ever end, I keep thinking. However, I know I have to be strong for my children. I have not been able to afford my birth control, so even though we have been careful to try not to get pregnant, my heart sunk when I missed my cycle. I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. Without hesitation, I told my boyfriend that I was pregnant and getting an abortion. He was against it but said it was my body, so he would be supportive. I went on the internet and saw that Solutions Mobile Unit provides free services. I called and they explained to me that although they do not do abortions, they explained what they did do and it was free. I figured I had nothing to lose, plus I would know for sure how far along I really was. I was hoping to do the pill abortion.

I arrived at my appointment the next day. The ladies on the bus were very patient and listened to all I had been through. I started to cry when I shared about my family members passing and I felt my life was such a mess right now. The ladies were so understanding, handing me Kleenex and just letting me cry it out. After a pregnancy test was done, we moved on to the ultrasound. The sonogram technician said I was 9 weeks along. Seeing the baby and hearing the heartbeat, actually was calming to me. I did not feel so upset. I honestly do not know why, but I felt a calmness. In sitting back down with my advocate, I told her how strange I felt. She asked me why I thought that was, and the only thing I could think of to say was “I don’t think I am going to have an abortion after all.” Making that decision, immediately took the stress off. I realized the thought of an abortion (which I have never had before), was taking a toll on me. I was given information so I can apply for Medicaid, which I would qualify for, along with many other resources – to include information to receive grief counseling. I felt so much better about everything. The ladies asked if they could pray for me and I said Yes!!! I promised that once the baby is born, I would bring him or her to visit.

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